Grump It
by Tired TM
Summary: Dipper swears. A lot. So his family and friends make it a mixtape. Based on the Grump it Song, I do not own it. URL to song: /watch?v s9gRg3 A-RM


"DANG IT" reverberated around the trees, originating from one very frustrated Dipper Pines.

"Sup, bro-bro? Beard cub get the best of ya?"

"Yes."

Dipper turned around, a full beard clinging onto his chin, which was clean-shaven just a moment ago.

"Mabel, did you bring the razor?"

"Uhhh, no. That was your job, I'm the Snack Holder and camera person of awesomeness."

"Dammit. Gotta go back to the shack, they don't pull off easy."

"Okidoki broski."

"Please never say that again, Mabel."

"No promises, dip-dop."

After trudging through the forest, the twins finally reach the Mystery Shack.

"Nice beard, Dipper. Didn't know ya wanted to grow one, thought you would have mentioned it this morning."

"Grunkle Stan, I didn't want to grow it, it's a Beard cub."

"I know. Have fun shaving that off, the bastards are tenacious."

Dipper and Mabel had been trudging through a damp area of the forest for what seemed like ages. Grunkle Ford had asked them to collect a few vials of frog's blood, which was trickier than they had anticipated. They had already managed to get one, but they needed at least two more, and the frogs were hiding very well.

Mabel held the video camera, due to Dipper's insistence on recording everything, and the Grunkles hung back, occasionally offering advice and laughing at Dipper's failed frog-catching.

"Hey Dip, any luck yet? I'm getting bored."

"Found one, Mabel. Should be enough for the last couple of vials."

As Dipper reached for the frog, it suddenly lunged at him, flying smack into his face.

"AAAH! DON'T FUCKING JUMP AT ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I'll fucking STAB your PARENTS!"

The Grunkles and Mabel instantly collapse into fits of laughter, not even bothering to stay standing up.

"Gha-hahahahahaha! OH mygod Dipper!"

"WHAT?!"

Dipper had been locked in his room for ages, working on some sort of project, when all of a sudden all that could be heard from the room was

"Nononononononono no-no-no-no-no!"

The rest of the Pines family turned to each other, and silently agreed to check in on him. They traveled up the stairs, only to find Dipper running out of his room with a scream, holding a flaming cup in a set of tongs. He ran into the bathroom, immediately dousing the fire in the sink.

"Dipper? Why was that on fire?" Asked Grunkle Ford, slightly impressed by the reaction time Dipper had shown.

"Uuuh, you all saw that?"

"Yes." The Grunkles and Mabel said in sync.

"I was trying to replicate one of Grunkle Ford's smaller experiments. I fucked up."

"Language, Dipper!"

"Let's keep that kind of experimentation in the lab from now on, okay kiddo?"

"Yeah. That's fair."

"No-no-no-no" Dipper groaned, his face slipping out of his hand and hitting the kitchen table.

"Dipper? What's wrong?" Ford asked, concerned.

"Ugh. I've got this new math teacher, and she assigned summer homework. That would be bad enough, but our textbook is full of errors. I've found like ten in this chapter alone."

"Have you talked to your teacher about it?"

"Yeah, she said I was mistaken and that the text was fine."

"Well, let me see. I'm sure you're right, and I can back you up in another talk with your teacher."

"Thanks, Grunkle Ford." Dipper said as he passed the textbook over.

"Yeesh. You're right Dipper, this text is… awful, to put it frankly. I can email your teacher for you, if you want."

"PLEASE."

"OK, Kiddo."

The Pines family was concerned.

For the past several hours, all that could be heard from Dipper's room were strings of expletives and noises of disappointment.

"FUCK!" Dipper slammed open his door, causing Mabel and Grunkle Stan to fall over from where they had been leaning.

"Were you guys listening?"

"Uh, no." Grunkle Stan lied.

"Yes you were!"

"OK, fine, we were. But we were worried Dip-Dop, I've never heard you curse this much."

"I'm having problems with this one equation, it's physics and I can't fucking understand…"

"Language, bro-bro."

Dipper shoots a glare at Mabel, continuing to explain.

"Why it's so difficult, I'm familiar with the equation and material it's just like I'm using the wrong variable or…. Oh."

"Figure it out?"

"FUCK, STUPID!" Dipper yelled as he ran back into his room and slammed the door shut again.

"He figured it out."

From downstairs, a faint "Don't slam my goddamn doors!" Could be heard from Grunkle Ford.

"BITCH!"

"Dipper, watch your language! And don't call your sister a bitch!"

"She just bought the only free property in a block I owned the rest of! That's unethical!"

It's Monopoly, Dipper. It's SUPPOSED to be unethical, that's the point."

"Point taken."

…

"It's your turn Dipper."

"Fuckingkehh~" Dipper said as he rolled the dice.

"Oh"

"Good?"

"NOOOO"

Dipper reluctantly moved his piece to jail, grumbling while doing so.

"That sucks dude."

Shortly after Dipper got out of jail, he landed on one of Grunkle Stan's properties, which had the highest rent of the game.

"FUCKING GOD"

"Haha, hand over the money, squirt."

"You know what? I don't even care. It doesn't even matter anymore." Dipper says as he counts out the money he owed Stan. _Of course we had to play with REAL money…_

Dipper had landed in the jail, again.

"Bro, how many times have you landed in jail now? Like, 10?"

"WHATEVER!"

Dipper, who had previously had his head smushed against the table with his arms hanging by his sides, sat up and with all his strength pushed the edge of the table, sending it flipping over with a screamed "FOR FUCK'S SAKE"

Money, game pieces, and drinks were sent flying while Dipper stood there, panting in the aftermath, when Soos said: "Dude I think you broke the table."

"FUCKING GOD"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"

Dipper's scream could be heard echoing amongst the trees, branches snapping as he ran through the forest.

"I thought we CONTAINED the fucking DINOSAURS!"

"We did! You were there, remember?" Ford got up from his kneeling position, only to see Dipper run by screaming

"Then why am I being CHASED by a GODDAMN VELOCIRAPTOR!"

"Whoops. May have missed one."

"FIX IT"

"Alright, geez. Simple fix, I have my paralytics, I'll just paralyze it and put it back in the mines…." Ford continued to mumble while Dipper kept running.

"WHAT THE FUUUUUUHH"

"Dipper?! Are you OK? I know it wasn't the velociraptor, I just got it paralyzed."

Dipper came through the trees, covered in soot, with singed clothes and burns.

"Fell into a Scampfire. Aw shit this hurts."

"Yeah, they do that."

…

"GOD, AHH!"

"Dipper quit squirming. You got burned pretty badly, I've gotta treat all of your burns before they get infected."

"How much more to go? Whatever paste you're using stings like a motherfucker."

"Language. And still a ways to go, I've barely started."

"AW DAMMIT"

Mabel snuck up behind her sleeping twin, whose face had smooshed against his papers. Trying to keep from laughing, she tapped hard twice on Dipper's shoulder.

"WHA"

"HAHAHAHAHHA! That was the BEST! Your face-kahahahha!"

"Jeez Mabel, you scared the shit outta me."

"Sorry Dipper. Oh, and you have writing on your face."

"Goddamnit."

"And you drooled on your notes."

"Fucking COME ON!"

"No No No!"

"Dipper? Is everything OK?"

"Nooo!"

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"NO."

"SHIT!"

Grunkle Ford looked into the kitchen to see Dipper hopping on one foot while holding the other.

"Do I… wanna know?"

"I stubbed my fucking toe."

"Makes sense. Did you break it?"

"Nah, don't think so. Just hurts."

"Then you're fine."

"Sure, Grunkle Ford. Just a bruised pride and a throbbing toe."

"Of course toa- you can't have flatbread and NOT toast it. It's, it's like spongy, grungy, gross starchy-ass fucking bread, it's made to be toasted. Of course I want it toasted." Dipper ranted, his sleep-deprived state somehow leading into a rant about flatbread and how it should be eaten.

"Dipper?"

"Yeah, Mabel?"

"Go to sleep."

 _Dang it, GOD, AHH, aw shit,_

 _nononononononono no-no-no-no-no, BITCH,_

 _SHIT, NO, DAMMIT, FUCKING GOD, FUCK,_

 _STUPID, Goddammit, come on man! FUCK_

 _(oh) FUCKING GOD FUCK Nooo WHAT?!_

 _Good? NOOOO fuckingkehh~ WHATEVER,_

 _oh, no, FUCK, no, FUCK, STUPID,_

 _no-no-no-no, AW, WHA, WHAT THU FAAAAW,_

 _a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ahh, FOR FUCK'S_

 _SAKE, fucking COME ON! No, no, no,_

 _don't fucking jump at me you piece of_

 _shit! I'll fucking stab your parents!_

Dipper stood outside the door of Mabel's room, listening to her, Soos, and Wendy laugh over the edit of his voice. He had to admit, it was catchy, but where the fuck had they gotten all the audio?

"Guys? Why are you listening to yet another remix of shit I've said? Thought you had enough at the voice-cracking fiasco."

"Sorry man, we couldn't help it. Your swear-a-thon has been hilarious, and it already got a shitton of views on Youtube."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Nope! Look Dipper, I uploaded it yesterday and it already has 100 hits!"

"Wow."


End file.
